It’s no secret that the frequency of sexual relations is usually higher at the start of the couple relationship. When curiosity is aroused, when there’s a new body to explore, a new person interested in us and making us feel desired, we feel greater sexuality. Even people who feel that their libido is not particularly high can be swept into uninhibited passion in a relationship’s early stages. Usually this period lasts about six months, but with some couples it can continue for 18 months or even 4 years.
So what makes that passion decline? And is there anything we can do about it?
What happens at the beginning is that there’s a rush of the hormone oxytocin, commonly known as ‘the love hormone’ which causes our bodies to become aroused and sexually excited. The more we get accustomed to each other, the more the situations described below begin to occur:
- The oxytocin initially secreted at high levels just by virtue of the fact of the relationship’s newness begins to drop, and it needs to be encouraged in other ways
- We become accustomed to routines, and we know what to expect, which is less exciting
- At the start of the relationship we’re blinded by its newness and don’t notice the other person’s problem spots. There’s no anger, no arguments, no tension, and that’s exactly what enables our sexuality to be more open and flow. The more aware we become of the traits we dislike in the other person, the more it might, and often does, impact the frequency of sexual relations
So what can we do, and how do we avoid getting to that situation?
First of all, just understanding that there are different stages to the relationship is essential. I’ve met countless people who, as soon as they don’t have the same level of excitement that they had starting out, start thinking that perhaps something is wrong with them, or perhaps the couple relationship isn’t the right one for them.
By understanding that this is a completely natural situation, you immediately reduce the level of doubt, which helps recruit the strength needed to see what can be done differently (and believe me, there are things that can be done differently!) In the world of NLP one of the basic assumptions is: energy flows to the place where attention is focused. So if, at the outset, everything looked good, that expanded our hearts and our blood vessels on the way to bed J. The more the relationship deepens, the more we see the less pleasant traits, and that reduces our sexual energy.
One of the most successful methods for coping with the phenomenon is to focus on the good and praise our partner. That makes the partner feel that we see her or him, it makes them feel admired and desired, and that in turn begins to create a positive atmosphere between you, which encourages closeness and the desire for touch and intimacy.
This leads me to the next and very important aspect: invest. Remember the oxytocin? It’s also produced through non-sexual contact such as a hug, a caress, or simply cuddling.
Over the years too many couples just get to a stage where they avoid contact unless it leads to sleeping together. This avoidance can cause even greater gaps in the frequency of sexual relations, because the lack of touch creates a kind of disconnection, whereas touch is perceived as courtship, a desire for closeness. Even if this kind of touch does not lead to sex, it does create a sense of greater connection and intimacy.
Invest in your partner in small ways. Cause your partner to feel wanted and understand that you see her or him, whether it’s with sweet words, small surprises, touch, and even a WhatsApp text. In the end, that’s what each of us wants from a partner, and when we don’t feel it, we distance from each other. When we suddenly resume the investment, it creates that feeling of closeness we long for, which positively impacts the frequency of our sexual relations. The closer we become emotionally, the more we will enjoy sexual relations; the more distanced we feel, the less sex we will have.
So if you’re sick of your personal WhatsApp being loaded with messages that need you to do this or that, and that sound emotionally distanced and cold, allow me to suggest you take things to the next level: open a two-person private WhatsApp group meant only for sexy and romantic messages to each other, and maybe even some arousing pix of yourselves. Keep that flame burning, and keep your attention focused on the couple relationship even when both of you are really busy.
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